It's been awhile.
I've been fighting my own demons, you could say. I thought that when my boyfriend returned, things would get a lot easier. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. Turns out that i'm kind of psycho. Not like, normal psycho, like full blown psycho. My life is going a million miles per second...and sometimes I don't know how to freeze and look at everything beside me. I really need to take a breath.
So, here I am. Writing my thoughts (it's supposed to be good for me, right?) down hoping that they will soon ease and untangle. Maybe. Hopefully. I'll just light a candle...Grandma says that's the best way to keep positive energy around me (but she could very well be crazy), what the hell...i'll give it a shot. I'm working on myself, trying to anyway...move forward in life as i'm watching my youth wither away from the sidelines. I'm only 21. So young. I have a lot of dreams still. I don't know how to reconnect with them. I don't know how to reconnect to the world itself actually. I can't seem to reconnect with my boyfriend (of 2 years) after he's come home from deployment, we both seem to be fighting some sort of darkness inside. I seem to be completely and utterly broken. Except while i'm at work. That's the one thing I can do right. I am able to forget about everything for 8 hours (not including this moment, because well, i'm at work). My job has consumed me. That's about the only thing that seems to be progressing forward. Unlike anything else in my life. I'm struggling with a very broken home life, being used to being very alone and very independent. I really don't want to be alone anymore, all I want to feel is warmth wrapped around me. That's a very odd thing for me, because of the way I was raised, and the way my family is to each other. We are all very cold and distant from each other. I try to establish this closeness with Casey, but I am really completely awkward when I attempt it. We don't know how to be close with each other. We have this undying burning passionate love for each other, but we don't know how to fight or support each other, especially because he is gone 6 months out of the year. Trying to get back everything we missed while he is deployed is really. really. HARD. What do you talk about? How have you been? What did I miss? Oh you don't like this anymore, oh you gained 10 pounds, oh this is your favorite show now...Where do we begin.
A relationship is a lot of work. Every. single. day. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. You can't give up, you can't quit, and you are going to produce an ungodly amount of tears, (probably enough to fill the Atlantic ocean) you are going to scream and yell and worry and hurt and be confused--but you know what? I fall asleep every night knowing that I love him regardless. All of the fight, it's fighting for us, all of the jealousy? its because I don't want to see him with anyone else. Don't ever fall asleep mad, and NEVER forget to say I love you--because you never know what tomorrow brings. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We have made it this far, we can make it through anything. Go ahead and judge me, "shes too young" "she doesn't know what she wants in life" "how could she possibly know this early on"...people, when you love someone, you just know.
Despite my life going a million miles per second, i'm holding onto this hope...this faith, that I have a plan and a destiny with every little microscopic thing in my life. Everything really does happen for a reason.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
Head up pretty girl!
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