I have a million things to do. But, I'm gonna start off by this. Writing in my blog.
Today would be Wednesday, Halloween. I will be residing at my boyfriends house most likely, handing candy out to kids. That's what my life consists of nowadays. Though I am entirely content with it being that way. I have grown into an adult, and it's absolutely weird to think about, the stores I shop at are stores that I hated when I was a teen..it's ironic actually. I used to refuse to go into "The Gap" and "Old Navy" or "Banana Republic" because it was for old ladies!! Well turns out that's where you can find me, searching for oversized cardigans and sweater dresses...I never thought I would say those words in my life. HA.
Funny how things change.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Ouch.
Today has been really great so far. Just kidding, not really.
Here's a little bit about my job:
I am currently an account manager for a building service company, (were a janitor company to say the least) and I take care of over half a million dollars worth of accounts on a daily basis. Checking in with my customers, bringing them cupcakes, Starbucks, pretty much whatever makes them happy (and I've learned people REALLY like free stuff). It's pretty fun a lot of the time, I deal with a lot of different people every day and it's really helped me mold into a well rounded person. This job makes me think all the time, creative solutions are my ally, people don't care what you do as long as shit gets done (which is where the cupcakes and Starbucks come in handy if you can't find a solution right away). Since I'm an account manager, I am also responsible for marketing as well, trying to get buildings, trying to find RFP's (request for proposal) and what not. I had been working on a RFP for the City of Bellevue since last week, I've come into work hours early to research and finish everything necessary. This was my first attempt at a response for an RFP, and my manager had TOTAL faith in me, she was sure I could handle it all. I wasn't feeling any pressure until the day the response was due. I didn't realize that I had procrastinated in actually filling out the questionnaires and the certificate of insurance's... I acted like I was incompetent almost. I had no excuse and now i'm totally regretting it, because I could have done the proper research, I just didn't know what questions to ask and I didn't want to show my manager that I wasn't fully capable. Which I was--I just didn't realize it until the day the response was due. In result, I rushed everything (even though I came to work an hour and a half early) and wasn't feeling 100% confident in what I had turned in. I know I worked hard, I just didn't feel satisfied with my work. Nonetheless, we did not get picked, not even to be one of the 3 finalists. Our company is very well known, and we service Bellevue City Hall, so I naturally thought we had this in the bag. Needless to say, my ego was broken. My manager doesn't think it's my fault, but it really feels like it's on me. So, I'm fighting back my tears today.
When things get bad, everything seems to fall apart. I'm standing in the middle of a collapsing building. But, I'm still smiling through it all.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Fall
Fall is officially here. I'm Breathing in the cold, crisp air this morning. A bit foggy...literally and mentally. Need coffee. Trying to submerge myself in as much caffeine deliciousness as possible before I start the cleanse on November 1st.
I'm going to be detoxing my body from all forms for horrible food for 24 days. This isn't a true cleanse though, because I'm going to be doing another cleanse with Advocare starting November 1st. Where I will be taking lots of supplements and eating nothing but cardboard food. Can't wait.
I'm going to be detoxing my body from all forms for horrible food for 24 days. This isn't a true cleanse though, because I'm going to be doing another cleanse with Advocare starting November 1st. Where I will be taking lots of supplements and eating nothing but cardboard food. Can't wait.
to the unknown
It's been awhile.
I've been fighting my own demons, you could say. I thought that when my boyfriend returned, things would get a lot easier. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. Turns out that i'm kind of psycho. Not like, normal psycho, like full blown psycho. My life is going a million miles per second...and sometimes I don't know how to freeze and look at everything beside me. I really need to take a breath.
So, here I am. Writing my thoughts (it's supposed to be good for me, right?) down hoping that they will soon ease and untangle. Maybe. Hopefully. I'll just light a candle...Grandma says that's the best way to keep positive energy around me (but she could very well be crazy), what the hell...i'll give it a shot. I'm working on myself, trying to anyway...move forward in life as i'm watching my youth wither away from the sidelines. I'm only 21. So young. I have a lot of dreams still. I don't know how to reconnect with them. I don't know how to reconnect to the world itself actually. I can't seem to reconnect with my boyfriend (of 2 years) after he's come home from deployment, we both seem to be fighting some sort of darkness inside. I seem to be completely and utterly broken. Except while i'm at work. That's the one thing I can do right. I am able to forget about everything for 8 hours (not including this moment, because well, i'm at work). My job has consumed me. That's about the only thing that seems to be progressing forward. Unlike anything else in my life. I'm struggling with a very broken home life, being used to being very alone and very independent. I really don't want to be alone anymore, all I want to feel is warmth wrapped around me. That's a very odd thing for me, because of the way I was raised, and the way my family is to each other. We are all very cold and distant from each other. I try to establish this closeness with Casey, but I am really completely awkward when I attempt it. We don't know how to be close with each other. We have this undying burning passionate love for each other, but we don't know how to fight or support each other, especially because he is gone 6 months out of the year. Trying to get back everything we missed while he is deployed is really. really. HARD. What do you talk about? How have you been? What did I miss? Oh you don't like this anymore, oh you gained 10 pounds, oh this is your favorite show now...Where do we begin.
A relationship is a lot of work. Every. single. day. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. You can't give up, you can't quit, and you are going to produce an ungodly amount of tears, (probably enough to fill the Atlantic ocean) you are going to scream and yell and worry and hurt and be confused--but you know what? I fall asleep every night knowing that I love him regardless. All of the fight, it's fighting for us, all of the jealousy? its because I don't want to see him with anyone else. Don't ever fall asleep mad, and NEVER forget to say I love you--because you never know what tomorrow brings. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We have made it this far, we can make it through anything. Go ahead and judge me, "shes too young" "she doesn't know what she wants in life" "how could she possibly know this early on"...people, when you love someone, you just know.
Despite my life going a million miles per second, i'm holding onto this hope...this faith, that I have a plan and a destiny with every little microscopic thing in my life. Everything really does happen for a reason.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
I've been fighting my own demons, you could say. I thought that when my boyfriend returned, things would get a lot easier. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. Turns out that i'm kind of psycho. Not like, normal psycho, like full blown psycho. My life is going a million miles per second...and sometimes I don't know how to freeze and look at everything beside me. I really need to take a breath.
So, here I am. Writing my thoughts (it's supposed to be good for me, right?) down hoping that they will soon ease and untangle. Maybe. Hopefully. I'll just light a candle...Grandma says that's the best way to keep positive energy around me (but she could very well be crazy), what the hell...i'll give it a shot. I'm working on myself, trying to anyway...move forward in life as i'm watching my youth wither away from the sidelines. I'm only 21. So young. I have a lot of dreams still. I don't know how to reconnect with them. I don't know how to reconnect to the world itself actually. I can't seem to reconnect with my boyfriend (of 2 years) after he's come home from deployment, we both seem to be fighting some sort of darkness inside. I seem to be completely and utterly broken. Except while i'm at work. That's the one thing I can do right. I am able to forget about everything for 8 hours (not including this moment, because well, i'm at work). My job has consumed me. That's about the only thing that seems to be progressing forward. Unlike anything else in my life. I'm struggling with a very broken home life, being used to being very alone and very independent. I really don't want to be alone anymore, all I want to feel is warmth wrapped around me. That's a very odd thing for me, because of the way I was raised, and the way my family is to each other. We are all very cold and distant from each other. I try to establish this closeness with Casey, but I am really completely awkward when I attempt it. We don't know how to be close with each other. We have this undying burning passionate love for each other, but we don't know how to fight or support each other, especially because he is gone 6 months out of the year. Trying to get back everything we missed while he is deployed is really. really. HARD. What do you talk about? How have you been? What did I miss? Oh you don't like this anymore, oh you gained 10 pounds, oh this is your favorite show now...Where do we begin.
A relationship is a lot of work. Every. single. day. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. You can't give up, you can't quit, and you are going to produce an ungodly amount of tears, (probably enough to fill the Atlantic ocean) you are going to scream and yell and worry and hurt and be confused--but you know what? I fall asleep every night knowing that I love him regardless. All of the fight, it's fighting for us, all of the jealousy? its because I don't want to see him with anyone else. Don't ever fall asleep mad, and NEVER forget to say I love you--because you never know what tomorrow brings. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We have made it this far, we can make it through anything. Go ahead and judge me, "shes too young" "she doesn't know what she wants in life" "how could she possibly know this early on"...people, when you love someone, you just know.
Despite my life going a million miles per second, i'm holding onto this hope...this faith, that I have a plan and a destiny with every little microscopic thing in my life. Everything really does happen for a reason.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
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