dreamer

I wish I was a bear.

Sometimes you just wanna be alone; in this instance I have decided I want to curl up and hibernate for a few months to get away from all the craziness surrounding me.  I wish I was a bear.

I've always heard that God would never put anything on your plate that you cannot handle.  I feel like whoever said that was smoking some good shit.  I don't know about you, but I sure as hell feel like everything continues piling up on my plate that shouldn't be there in the first place. I can't even see straight anymore.  I'm trying to remain calm and face all these demons head on, but honestly?  I want to give everyone the bird and crawl into a hole and forget the world.

 In a world filled with so many people, I have never felt so alone before.  I can talk about my problems to people, but sometimes I don't know that talking about it will help.  Sometimes I just need to be cuddled up and have arms squeezing around me until I can't breath. People can only take so much.  I have been stretched out thin.  I internalize EVERYTHING. When I start opening up, everything spills out.  I really am trying to relax and worry about myself...But I can only worry about others.  I put everyone else in front of myself.  I want to be happy with me.  I'm not happy with me.  I am a damn professional on acting like everything is just peachy. I can hide behind my smile SO well people tell me they wish they could have my positive attitude.  Yeah, that's what I want people to think. There are things I deal with everyday that honestly, nobody should have to encounter... I have some dark demons floating around me, and they will never go away.  I am doing my best to stay away and guard myself from any internal emotional damage, but I have good days and I start feeling like I'm moving forward, but then I'm back on my ass trying to outline a new route.

I'm going to work on channeling my emotions and my thoughts onto other things, like exercising, eating better, writing more, taking more photos...Whatever it might take to get myself to be able to communicate with the world without wanting to stab everyone in their jugulars. Because yes, that is currently how I feel. I definitely need a break, I need to travel and get lost somewhere and clear my head of all bad things.  Or maybe I need a 23$ margarita, who knows. 

Hopefully things start looking up.  We're only 9 days into the new year.

 I just want to be in my happy place, man. 

2013 (resolution)

Well the New Year is here.

I started out by purchasing myself a present for the New Year. I think it was well deserved, though I am still a little nervous about spending that good chunk of change.  If my Dad finds out, he might kill me.  I promised him that starting January I would save 1/4 of my paycheck and give to him to keep safe for me, as a personal savings account that way I don't always have access to spend it as I please...Well technically I bought myself the iPad on the 31st, it wasn't January yet...But I have to postpone my savings to him until Feb.  BUT- I will have to be sparing with my money for the rest of the month. 

This iPad is the COOLEST thing of all time.  Although it was a pretty penny, (a few penny's actually) I think it is well worth the money.  I did my research on tablets before I purchased of course, size, capacity, processors, image quality...etc.   I got the WiFi only one, which is totally fine because everywhere I go has WiFi available (usually).  I am able to work from home on it, which is so perfect.  I can paint on it, sketch on it, and write ideas on it.  Which moves me to my next discovery, 'Paper'.  It's an app that gives you options to write, paint, sketch, outline and blend colors... It's extremely tremendous. AND that is only ONE of the apps that I have downloaded.  There are so many other cool ones available, for FREEEEEE.

My resolution, well one of them anyway, is to be more artistic.  I am going to write things about my day, random quotes, notes, funny pictures, etc... I will try to carry this as I go about my days, that way I remember everything.  This is a good thing. 

Not only is that one of my resolutions, as always, I will try to be more healthier. 

I hope everyone had a great New Years!