Welcome to the human race.

Monday, December 17th, 2012.

I had an extremely long day at work.  I woke up an hour early for work so I could get in the office by 7:45 to finish a bid I have been working on that is due on the 21st (which why am I even trying since the stupid world is going to end).  Anyway.  Back to what I was saying. I had worked from 7:30-5pm, and I decided on my way home that I would stop at the mall to try and cram in the rest of my Christmas shopping for my siblings.  This was the day that I had got a "blizzard" warning on my phone at 5am (they act like we live in Montana or something, weather idiots).  I kindly reminded myself I live in Washington.  There is nothing to fear, well blizzard-wise anyway.

I got off the freeway and noticed the wind had started picking up, I then remembered why I didn't sleep much during the night, tree branches kept whacking into my window and scaring the shit out of me I thought the world was ending early.  I continued to trolley along the road towards the mall, of course I was taking back ways because I HATE traffic and will go beyond out of my way to avoid it.  I was going by Ikea in  Tukwila, and noticed it was oddly darker outside than normal...Then I realized there were street lights that were out.  God damnit.  The power is out, the wind is taking over, there is a stupid blizzard on the way.  I thought to myself, "should I even go? Will I get stuck in a rampage of a crazy weather disaster with a bunch of psychotic humans?" "Aw hell with it, I will manage and if things seem to turn for the worse, at least I can run fast and I'm short so I have an advantage of going under people". Yes, I did thoroughly think this through.

I found a decent parking spot at the mall in the garage right by the entrance.  What luck!  Okay, game plan Kelsey, what's your game plan.  I will return the two items I need to at Nordstrom and at Zumiez, then I will grab a bite to eat and shop quickly and then I will be on my way home.  Okay! I head in.  I stopped at the first store I walked by.  Okay, so I already broke the first part of the game plan...That's fine, just keep going.

I decided I wanted to eat dinner really fast, should I grab a sandwich or some fake Chinese food? Sandwich.  I went downstairs to the Jimmy Johns, and quickly horked down my sandwich and water. From there, I had walked out of the JJ's and saw the store 'Pink' and remembered that I had a $10 off coupon, and I could probably find something that Devyn (my sister) would love.  I popped in the store, and I grabbed my wallet to double check that I had the coupon in there, which I did.  I kept shopping and walking around and put my wallet back into my purse.  I was looking at something when this older African American woman had bumped into my purse.  I turned around and she mumbled something under her breath and looked at me funny...I turned back to what I was looking at, she then had asked who I was shopping for.  I did not look at her, I just replied, I'm Christmas shopping for my younger sister.  The lady asked, "how old is she?" "She's 12, and very spoiled." The lady then showed me this receipt from the store and said how she just spent almost $300 on her granddaughter, I replied "I love my sister, but not that much." The lady then said "but it's Christmas."  I carried on with my shopping and was looking at another section of the store, when my purse was noticeably bumped into again.  I turned around, the same old lady was standing there and then pointed to a pair of pants and went on about how cute they were.  She asked me to reach them for her, they were on the top shelf.  I reached up being a nice citizen, and then I felt my purse being bumped into again, but this time it lifted off my shoulder a tiny bit, I turned around quickly and the same lady had pointed to another pair of pants instantly and said "I like these a lot too." I turned back around to the clothes rack, thought to myself how strange this lady was.  I turned back around, the lady was gone.  She didn't even take the pants I had reached for her from the top shelf.  I made my way to the register to purchase a few things for my sister.  I reached for my wallet...I searched for my wallet...It was gone.

At that moment, instantly I realized why the lady had been following me around, why she had kept bumping into my purse, why every time I turned around she was there looking at me funny...That scum bag piece of no good rotten son of a B**** stole my wallet.  My heart sank.  I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit in the store as the sales associate is looking at me in confusion. The first thing I stutter "can you hold these, my wallet is gone..." I am scrambling in my purse, stumbling around the store looking in all the places I was shopping , thinking maybe I just dropped it...Who am I kidding.  That bitch played me like a sap.  I started crying at that point, asked the store associate if she saw the lady who was following me around and if they had cameras in the store...She said no...but I did see the lady who was following you around...She then proceeded to feel bad for me and asked if she could give me a hug...I looked at her...Are you kidding? I have to go, can you please search the store.  I walked out of Pink and looked around the mall for the lady called my dad..."Check the nearest bathroom and garbage cans or the nearest parking lot, she would have dumped your wallet after clearing it".  The parking lot was a straight shot from the store I was at.  "Dad I have to go...there's a security guard I'm going to talk to him." I'm not understandable at this point, I'm crying and yelling at this security guard telling him what just happened...I talked to about 5 security guards, all asking me the same thing until one was like have you called the police? I was like what the F*** why didn't one of you, there are 5 of you asking me questions one of you couldn't have god damn called?  I proceeded to call and report my theft.  Did I mention that I had $500 cash in the wallet?  Yeah, the one time I carry cash, for Christmas shopping. Gone.

Talking to the rent a cop's did me no good.  I asked for the security cameras in the hallway to see if I could view them because I absolutely could identify this whore bag woman.  She was in her 50's, about 5'3 and she was fat and she STOLE FROM ME.  I am beyond upset and hysterical at this point.  One of the security guards had come back and said the receipt she was waving in my face was a fake, she had no bought anything from the store, she tried returning items without a receipt. He told me she was a professional and I got played extremely well.  Anyways, after all the bullshit I just dealt with, I received the case # from the officer assisting me, cancelled my debit cards and decided it was time to go home.  I had no wallet. No money, no driver's license, this lady has taken away my siblings Christmas from me, she has taken the hard earned money that I was spending on other people.  I am so disgusted with humans, a Grandmother stole from me.  She even tried to get personal with me.  What a WHORE.

I keep replaying the incident in my head, how it happened, what I could have done differently, how frustrated I was, why I didn't just zip my purse up when she had bumped into it testing to see what I would do, but why would that be the first thought in my head? I had no idea she was a thief, she was a Grandma.  Why I even went to that store in the first place, why I didn't have spidey-senses, why Batman didn't come to the rescue, why nobody in the store said anything even though they saw the woman being a fucking creep.  I have unfortunately learned a $500 lesson. I will never ever leave my purse unzipped under ANY circumstance   I will not try and be nice with strangers.  I will not do a favor for anybody I don't know.  I will never go shopping by myself.  I will always hold mace when I am by myself so nobody fucks with me. I will never trust any body I don't know, regardless of how nice they are to me. I will not respond to any strangers, beside with the phrase "fuck off". Thieves come in ALL shapes and ALL sizes and ALL ages. I was worked like a dumb helpless girl.  There is nothing I can do now to turn back the time.  What's so heartbreaking is I can't get anything for my siblings. My favorite thing about Christmas was watching the kids open presents so excited and anxious to find out what they got and the reactions to the gifts...Christmas is about the gift of giving and being around the people you love.  I just wanted to give and in result, I was taken from.  I hope that she trips and falls into a burning pile of shit. And dies. And if she doesn't, I will find her after the zombie apocalypse and shoot her in the face with a compound bow.

Happy bleeepin Holidays, welcome to the human race.

Another night of hideout

Not only was my brother violently projectile vomiting, contaminating the whole down stairs of my house...My mother caught the sickness, and then BOOM, my sister (12yrs) who was SLEEPING IN MY ROOM ONE DAY AGO...Came home and added her puke into the mix. Now we have two infested zombies in the living room...When I got home from work yesterday, the house was pitch dark, there was plastic wrap around all the front door windows (so it really looked like we were being contained) and when I walked in, there was a zombie on the chair sleeping, and another one wrapped up in blankets on the other couch...I quickly pull my jacket over my face to block any buggies from getting in, grabbed the Lysol and hand sanitizer and then I hear a "aarrhhhhhhgahggh" so I started moving quicker...hurry Kelsey HURRY before they wake!!! I hear a faint and mumbled "mmm Kelsey...? Is that you?" NOO I've awoken the undead!! "Can you get me my cup of gingerale?" Quick, run upstairs and pretend you never heard anything!!  "Kelsey????" "Please I'm dying.." SHIT. Ok. I grabbed the disease-cup and poured a bit of gingerale and brought it back into the living room to my mom, of course with my mouth covered and ran off as quickly as possible. Got to my room, realized my sister had been residing in there earlier in the day, then took the Lysol can and unleashed it onto everything in my room until I could barely breath properly because I was eating Lysol at that point. Okay, I think i'm safe.

Damon is now feeling 99% better but still not eating in fear of it coming back up, but running around like a demon child should be.  The only ones who have not been contaminated, my father, my brother Clayton (15) and myself.  Light a few candles for us.

 Dad and I went to Mexican food for dinner, we figured it would be best to stay away from the house as long as possible.  As we were eating nachos for appetizers, something dawned on him. Dad: "Okay, I will buy you dinner under one condition..." Me: "Whats that??" Dad: "NO DOUBLE DIPPING, in case one of us is actually contaminated...just to be safe."  Me: "uhh...I think I might have already double dipped...and I think you have too..." Dad: " WHAT?!?!?! WHY did you do that!?" Me: " Well, you could of declared that before we are already are half way done with the basket of nachos and salsa..."

We get home and go through the back door, because that's the safest entrance into the contamination zone. We both realize that we really have to pee.  I look at my Dad in jealously, "it's not fair that I can't pee outside like you, both bathrooms are contaminated."  I have no where to pee. I have no where to shower. I feel like I am living in a true life zombie infested world.  This is just great. Cooper jumps up and licks my face. You stupid dog, I wish I was you more than anything right now. Why don't dogs get the flu? Can we switch bodies for 48 hours?  Then I realize how terrible that could be...Cooper isn't the brightest dog on the planet...I look at Jake in question, maybe you, I'll switch with you?  Then he started to chew his ass.  Could be worse.  My Dad was finding extreme humor in the conversations I was having with my dogs and trying to convince them to switch bodies with me.

 At least i'm not a zombie.

I can't go home.

When someone in my house is terribly sick and extremely contagious, I feel like I'm living in my own zombie apocalypse nightmare. But it's real life.  

I received a call from my mother on my way home from work last night.  

Mom: "Kelsey, I need you to pick up some lysol on your way home, your brother projectile vomited".
Me: "WHERE...?"
Clayton (in the background): "YOUR BED, TELL HER HE PUKED IN HER BED".
ME: "SHUT UP I WILL KILL..."
Mom: "No, he puked on the bathroom door, the bathroom floor, the bathroom rug, the bathroom tub, the dirty laundry in the bathroom...yes there is puke EVERYWHERE - oh I have to go he's at it again. CLICK." 
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOO, I can't go home, I just can't go home".

There is nothing more that scares me or disgusts me than the stomach flu.  It's like the plague, but WORSE. I would choose ANY other type of virus than the flu. I should feel bad for my brother who is projectile vomiting through the house and contaminating everything he looks at...But, all I can think about is me being the next victim of this shit.  I used to wish I would get sick so I could stay home from school, now it's like the end of the world getting sick.  Two things about being an "adult" that make life hell (or to say the least in this case): 1. How much it wreaks havoc on your body.  I have noticed that getting older, viruses tend to catch easier and stay longer, my immune system always seems to be fighting off some sort of something (and I realize that it only gets worse, I can't wait).  2. Missing work.  I cannot stand missing work.  I hate being out of the loop, I hate catching up on 276 emails from one day missed.  I do have a work iPhone, BUT doctors recommend shutting off your phones while being sick and resting as much as possible. It's MISERABLE missing one day. I just can't afford to get sick. 

Not to mention, I have been feeling stuffed up, my ears were hurting and I have been sneezing up a storm.  My body is in reboot, it could easily catch something.  I. Am. Paranoid. 

I have been lysol-ing and disinfecting literally everything that my brother has come in contact within the past few days, and even things he hasn't...You just never know. I carry hand sanitizer wherever I go...My Dad thinks I'm ridiculous for sanitizing my hands every 5 minutes, he thinks that once you start using that, germs will immediately adapt (like Darwinism as he explained)  and basically say "F*** YOU" and BOOM. get you sick easier.  He is also against pain medication such as Tylonel or Advil...Unless it has to do with this achey teeth.  What a hypocrite.

Something about "it coming out both ends" just doesn't sound appealing.  I would much rather die. Yes.  I try to feel bad for my brother, but all I can do, as I sort of look at him (if I look him in the eye, I'm bound to get sick) is wonder where they sell doctor masks and act like I can see his sick bugs floating in the air, as i'm covering my mouth and hands with my sweatshirt.  I just hope that everyone in my house takes as much precautionary action as I do...Otherwise I will have to find a hide-out for the rest of the week.

Maybe I'll just hide out anyway...Better safe than sorry.